How We Transformed A Rehash Letter To Feel Less Like A Death Threat…
And More Like A Generous Offer From A Caring Contractor.
You want to send out a “rehash” letter in an attempt to recover lost sales. That’s smart! So you phrase the letter is such a way that the prospect isn’t sure if he’s being asked to attend a colonoscopy, being audited by the IRS, or being held for ransom. That’s dumb!
Check out this amazing “before and after” transformation of a closet organizer “rehash” letter. The letter has good intentions, but the execution is perfectly terrible. It’s stodgy. It’s antiseptic. It’s boring. And it actually sounds kind of threatening. Never fear—that’s why MYM is here. Let the Extreme Makeover begin!
Before
BEFORE – HEADLINE
Oops. There isn’t one. That makes it pretty darn hard for the prospect to know what it going on. Need to fix that.
BEFORE – INTRO PARAGRAPH
This reads almost like a court summons. After reading this, most people would probably call their attorney for advice. Gotta love it when the “and/or” gets used in a letter. Bottom line, the prospect will have an exceedingly hard time figuring out why they are getting this letter and/or what exactly the company wants them to do.
BEFORE – NUMBERED PARAGRAPHS
(Crickets chirping. There are no numbered paragraphs.)
BEFORE – RATIONALE FOR DISCOUNT
Look. If you’re willing do this fast, we’re willing to give you a discount. Got it?
BEFORE – THE OFFER
I love the “we hope this offer is enough” line… pretty funny. Besides that, the offer is buried in the text and as a result, won’t be seen by a lot of recipients. Did I mention the offer sounds like it is being made at knife point?
After
AFTER – HEADLINE The headline is a simple, straightforward encapsulation of the value proposition. We’ll give you a discount if you buy now. And if that’s not clear, we’ll even give you an example of what we mean.
AFTER – INTRO PARAGRAPH Simple language, plain English, and a dose of human touch make this an irresistible opening. It comes across as honest and sincere. Then we transition into 5 reasons why people don’t buy. Because of a human nature phenomenon known as “mismatching,” people are going to want to read the reasons to find out if their reason is on the list. Use of soft language like “usually” and “perhaps” make the letter read less like a ransom note.
AFTER – NUMBERED PARAGRAPHS Look how nice and easy it is for the reader to read these bullets because of the bold font and short headers! The header above the numbers is a nice intro, especially for the (large percentage) of readers who are just skimming the letter.
AFTER – RATIONALE FOR DISCOUNT Using a phrase like “naked truth” is very disarming in contractor marketing—it lets the prospect know that they’re about to get some inside info. Then we deliver on that promise by pulling back the curtain and showing them our Magical Oz. “Look, it costs us a ton to find customers, so all things considered, we’ll just give that money to you.” Also notice the soft language (quite a bit, fairly, actually, I don’t know, just, happy to, etc.) that sounds less like the Mafia and more like a loving mother.
AFTER – THE OFFER The coupon at the bottom jumps off the page to reinforce our 15% off offer. It looks official (it needs to be activated, for crying out loud), and has an expiration date. No normal person could miss what the offer is, why the offer is being made, and what they need to do next. Now THAT’S a good offer.
© 2014 – 2016, Rich Harshaw. All rights reserved.
